The things my son taught me (Part 1)
It’s only been three months…
…but beginning life as a family, and Marley’s arrival has been life changing in way’s I expected and ways I couldn’t have imagined. One of the things I’m struck by continually is how much the little guy teaches me about life, I can only hope the feeling is mutual.
Lesson 1 - Take joy in yourself.
In the apartment building we find ourselves living at in Bangkok (How we ended up living here unexpectedly for more than half a year is worthy of a journal entry of it’s own) there’s a lift with a large head-to-toe mirror panel whereupon for the small duration of time, 18 seconds for us to get from P to floor 10, you’re met with your own reflection.
It’s lockdown (Again) here in Thailand, and with it being too hot in the day past 8.30am to take an infant outside for a causal stroll the only time that Marley is getting ‘Outside’ is around the small but well kept private garden outside the main condo lobby.
On a side note, It’s also interesting that there isn’t much of a walking/pavement culture here in Bangkok with a lot of the side streets, including the street we live on, being just one central gangway full of bumps and small potholes that the cars, motorbikes and pedestrians all have to navigate with due care.
To get to that small garden we take the lift. It actually took me weeks to feel remotely conformable holding Marley whilst being able to functionally operate one handed tasks; like opening a door, or pushing the elevator button, but now a well seasoned pro it’s one of my favourite things to do with him and for me helps break up the monotony of the often quite ground-hog-day like existence we find ourselves living at the moment.
When we get into the lift I always hold him facing the head to toe mirror to see if we can see himself in my arms and work out what’s going on. It’s not every time but…
When he does see his own little face there in the mirror, he just lights up and beams his own reflection a smile.
I thought nothing of this at first other than that it was adorable, but on reflection there was a deep and profound lesson there.
For me, not always but often, 'I’ve looked into the mirror with a stern and upsetting negativity and sense of criticism. In private the mirror reveals all to ourselves, our doubts, fears and insecurities and throughput life, through all it’s chapters and our inevitable failings and mistakes along the way we are always faced with ourselves in the end.
Sometimes it’s subtle but largely I feel my brain goes looking for ‘Whats wrong’ instead of ‘Whats right’ and sometimes - and I hope sincerely that I am not the only one - I’ve had such deep, meaningful and powerful chats with myself in the mirror that I wish I could somehow watch them back.
The mirror is then, or has become, a place of judgement, of Me Vs Me, and even writing that down so plainly as that anyone can realise that it’s a match with no winner.
So when I saw my son smile like that at himself, just taking simple joy in his own being, i remembered how it could be, or even how it should be.
Next time I catch myself in the mirror full of self scrutiny - and If you resonate to anything shared here I hope you’ll do the same - i’ll just drop the judgement, look past everything I am, everything I’m not and look past all the stories I’ve told myself over these years and I’ll just be there.
I can’t say I’ll crack a huge smile like my son does - hell maybe I will - but I’ll certainly be reminded to be present, take joy in the simple fact that I’m alive, that I’m an an awesome human being with a huge heart, that I have so many blessings in my life and so many things to smile about and be free from the ever so critical echo chamber that I must have picked up from somewhere along the way on my journey into adulthood.
LESSON ONE - Take joy in yourself
If you enjoyed this piece - consider sharing it or checking out the song I wrote about Marley before he was born to your playlists or sending it on to a friend who would appreciate.
